257. An Ants’ Life

I always get lost in crowds.

I never stand out.

Sometimes I do for things I wear,

But that’s not what it’s about.

(If not for that) I am fast lost,

Into the crowds of day.

There is nothing special of me,

At least that I can say.

I am yet another ant,

Trampled by the Gods.

Slaving under the hot sun,

Or spiting those same Gods,

For creating us to suffer:

To exist to feel,…

To feel so sad in crowds,

One does not want to feel;

Want to feel so lonely…

Or want to be an ant.

I,..I want to be a butterfly,

With vibrant wings with which to fly.

K. Aldaya, 1/20/14

Picture: Artist Unknown; http://flywithmeproductions.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/Girl-Butterfly-Light.jpg

256. The Silence of the Birds

Here I am so lonely.

No one really cares.

I’m just out here surviving.

Why is it no one dares?

To talk to me, or know,

Who I am or long to be?

Or simply say hello,

When they walk on by me?

I’m tired of surviving,

Of doing the right things.

Of saying hello and smiling;

For me, no one does these things.

And yet, they are so simple;

I do them every day.

Though I doubt yet one would call to me,

If I were to walk away.

If I turned and walked,

Up the stairs some more.

And to the top emerged.

And loudly closed the door.

And walked slowly each step…

Tip-tap with the clock.

And softly closed my eyes.

Pondering the tick and tock.

And as the wind,

From the North,

A cold and icy thing,…

Blew, I would step forth,

—-No more to sing.

K. Aldaya, 1/19/14

Picture: “Girl on the Edge” by Tom Ryaboi: http://www.tomryaboi.com/; http://camyx.com/exposure/2013/11/tom-ryaboi-atop-skyscrapers/

239. Pathetic

I’m not a human.

At least not to you.

Outside I look human,

But inside I’m blue.

So blue you will drown,

If you look too deep.

Don’t bother to know me.

Just call me a creep!

Just push me away!

Call me names……hurt me!

Stab, kick, and break,

Until I drown in my own sea.

And as I fall down….

As I fade away…..

“She was weak and pathetic”,

That’s what you’ll say.

K. Aldaya, 05/28/13

Picture: “Drowning” by Madelaines on Deviant Art; http://madelaines.deviantart.com/art/Drowning-61567330

234. Just Another Broken Soul

I don’t know why I bother.

I write. I weep, in vain.

I’ll never be able to express or convey,

What’s pounding in my brain.

I say a word or maybe two.

You’ll nod your head, “Ah yes!”,

“I understand”.

And I will nod, “Sure…yes”.

But the truth is that it angers me.

How patronizing can you be?

You know nothing of my life,

And I’m glad for it not to be!

You’ll never understand what it’s like to cry….,

Cry away years of your life.

To linger, strive, hurt, and bleed,

The blood from your own knife.

To only know that pain because,

It’s all you’ve ever known;

And never trust joy or happiness,

Forever feeling new and unknown.

But it’s my fault because I was,

Born to take a breath,….to walk.

Born a toy for everyone.

Toys don’t get to fight back or talk.

Toys are made to be used and trashed,

When all the fun is through–a waste–

Of others time and lives…

A regret. A purchase made in haste.

But as I’ve said it’s my fault,

And my place in time and guilt.

If I don’t get over it,

It’s more guilt upon guilt.

Those who damage and destroy,

They get off scott-free –no responsibility;

While I must take responsibility,

For everything which was done to me.

I know what I’m supposed to say.

I know what I should do,

But it would only be because,

I was told it’s what I should do.

I don’t believe that I’m stronger,

Or believe I’m now wiser or better.

Is this Masochism 101?

Must I learn to love pain to be better?

I know it’s not what you want to hear,

And so you may no longer listen;

But yet I still must say it because it’s the truth.

I beg you, listen!

I will never be okay and it is not okay!

I won’t lie and say it’s fine as if it never happened.

Nobody wins and there’s only destruction.

I will hurt until the end.

For a broken soul may never mend.

K. Aldaya, 03/20/13

Picture: “Broken Soul” by AndyGarcia666 on Deviant Art; http://andygarcia666.deviantart.com/art/Broken-Soul-281289269

228. The Alien’s a Freak

My pain I cannot express,

Nor does it matter to try.

No one will ever see what I see,

Nor through my heart cry.

By expressions I am outcast.

By skin I am judged.

My soul, an alien, a freak,

To which I am misjudged.

Different is always punished;

No matter how it came to be.

If changed by others or made so,

Aliens deserve to die or flee.

Flee and hide away inside,

And change the form to seem,

Just as every other human being.

To live,… to survive this hellish dream.

But tell me is it really living if one must hide from everything?

K. Aldaya, 01/16/12

Picture: Photographer Unknown; http://favim.com/image/36285/