536. The Program

The mind is a prison,

And it’s always the same.

Nowhere to go to,

And an air of shame,

Floats right on through;

While the doors remain locked,

And darkness protrudes,

‘Til life only exists,

In despondent attitudes,…

And the outside exits.

No one will save us.

This is a life sentence,

Where no matter how you try,

You won’t receive penance,

At least not ’til you die.

A prisoner to the end,

There is no refuge in or out.

It’s either solitude and darkness,

Or the freedom of chaos and self-doubt;

For a day,..an hour,…maybe less.

The mind is a prison,

And it’s always been this way,

And the outside world, the only place to get away.

……………..*Running a prisoner trace*……………..

She’s locked away…
She’s locked away…
She’s locked away…
She’s locked away…
She’s out today…
She’s locked away…
She’s locked away…
She’s locked away…
She’s out today…
She’s locked away…
She’s locked away…
She’s locked away…
She’s locked away…
She’s lost her way…
She’s locked away…
She’s locked away…
She’s locked away……………..

K. Aldaya, 1/31/21

Picture: Original Source Unknown; https://www.docbyte.com/blog/ocr-ai-digital-eyes-mailroom

527. Tonic Immobility-ism

Sometimes I forget how it feels to be human,

Rather than a stone.

How skin feels against skin,

Still on the bone,…

Gentle and soft.

Sometimes I am a stone. Cold and hard,

Solid and unyielding,…

Splintering on the surface.

Sculpted into a spearhead wielding,

The piercing end of hope.

K. Aldaya, 11/10/20

Picture: By Veit Hammer on Unsplash; https://unsplash.com/photos/YSnZqsF4DLQ

482. Take a Deep Breath

photo-1491319669671-30014eb16b8d

How to explain it? I have not the words.

My brain and body, they are cowards.

How do I explain that feeling inside,

When I’m with others it hurts not to hide;

To run away to the comfort of alone.

The feeling is one that I’ve always known.

A tension…A pain locked in the chest,

Which may only find release and rest,

When solitude (the oldest of friends),

Returns to assuage and make amends.

I long to feel comfort and connection,

Rather, I feel distress and rejection.

Nothing need be said or done,

Yet my head feels pressed against a loaded gun.

The nerves,…the discomfort…the body responds.

The same human body which should create bonds,

Tells me I’m crazy for sticking around;

That there is nothing here to be found.

If only optimism and love were the cure.

Yet no matter how thoughtful, caring, or pure…

The feeling never goes away,…just hides,…

Behind masks and smiles it resides;

Twisting the stomach and wrenching the heart,

‘Til again I lose, and fall apart.

Strength and optimism have their rewards,

Though do not mistake toothpicks for swords.

Strength keeps me going. Optimism’s my friend.

Howe’er there are things they too can not mend.

Please excuse me while I try not to show,

How hard it is to be human and know,…

The pain of never being at ease,

With connections, moments, synergies.

How to explain it? I have not the words.

My brain and body, they are cowards.

As my thoughts live and fight on,

I take a deep breath, and continue along.

K. Aldaya, 7/23/19

Picture: By: Melanie Wasser on Unsplash ;https://unsplash.com/photos/j8a-TEakg78

479. System Overload

Feeble…Faint…

It’s not real…not real;

Yet your legs have grown weaker,

Finding it best not to feel.

Panic…Pain…

The illusion clears.

No one’s coming to save you.

There is no use for those tears.

Terror…Fear…

That pain in your chest…

It tells you it’s not over.

For a victim, there’s no rest.

Horror…Loss…

There’s no going back.

The program’s installed…running…

And insanity’s the hack.

Empty…Numb…

A system with eyes,

Which carries out instructions…

As it’s humanity dies.

K. Aldaya, 7/10/19

Picture: From Humans; Emily Berrington as Niska; https://giphy.com/gifs/experience-amc-humans-sXhM9f1UIgYW4

478. The Elsewhere

In the stillness of night she leaves,

The world and time behind.

She slips out of her bones,

And deep into her mind;

Where dream and reality meet, and,…

Breath upon breath create,…

Life, in desolation.

Feeling’s merely innate.

A door appears, she touches the knob,

And turns it, but slightly.

With a click, it opens.

She enters and closes it tightly.

Within is shelter, and protection;

Lost,…misplaced from the start.

Yearning becomes misery,

When men forget the heart.

Would you seek and pull her out from there?

Would you tell her she’s wrong?

That she’s better off staying,

And just suffering along?

For who knows what the answer should be,

To loss and sentiment.

If time can’t be rewound,

Should love and safety remain absent?

In the stillness of night she leaves,

To find what can not be.

Life is not fair they say,

And nothing is for free.

So, do not judge as she slips away,

Out of her bones and mind.

Oft’ we must seek elsewhere,

That which we’ve yet to find.

K. Aldaya, 5/25/19

Picture: By Sam Burriss on Unsplash; https://themighty.com/2017/10/how-to-help-dissociative-episode/