368. Alien

I know I’m not the only one who stares out at the stars,

And wishes their alien kin would come and take them off to Venus or Mars;

Or some unknown world beyond our scope of understanding,

Where their heart exhales and gravitates-in for a landing.

A planet so very far away in space and time,

Where long ago they were accepted and life was sublime.

A world where they were understood and didn’t feel like a freak;

Among their kind where they never needed words to speak.

Maybe the water is neon pink and the dirt a vibrant green,

And trees in every shade of light, glow and illume the scene.

No matter what the eyes see or how beautiful it may seem,

The world now only exists in their minds as they dream.

I know I’m not the only one who stares out into space,

And wonders why they don’t feel like they belong to the human race.

K. Aldaya, 9/19/16

Picture: By Anna Ristuccia on Flickr. https://www.flickr.com/photos/annaristuccia/4391530854/; http://weheartit.com/entry/group/534427

242. My Own Little World

Sometimes I can’t live here anymore.

I have to feel something.

In this world I can’t be weak.

I cannot show my wounded core.

I cannot be a freak.

And so sometimes I have to fly,

Into fantasies and plots,

Constructed from favorite movie scenes;

A main character am I,

On which the conflict leans.

I am strange and am a freak,

And for that reason I am hurt;

But I am important to the play.

There I am saved though weak.

There a freak can save the day!

So I am hurt by the villains,

And then rescued by the heroes.

The heroes understand my pain,

And thus seek revenge on the villains.

The villains mustn’t cause further pain!

I will help since I am a freak.

In movies the freaks are special;

And with my powers and strength,

I do not have to think twice.

I save the day with all of my strength!

I am rescued from pain and torture.

Loved when I never was before.

I am no longer a freak or whore,

And am able to use my strangeness to cure,

The ills of the world, and order restore.

Sometimes I can’t live here anymore.

Where I am a freak, and not special at all.

Where I was not rescued and nobody cared,

And the villains escaped long, long before;

And really I am just a freak and a whore.

K. Aldaya, 07/04/13

Picture: Photographer Unknown; http://www.wired.com/images_blogs/underwire/images/2008/09/26/noheroics.jpg

240. Insane Blood

I lie on the gurney,

The doctor looks at me with disgust and annoyance;

And don’t you agree?

That I’m shameful and dirty?

In every degree?

Drawing out my blood.

The doctor starts filtering but there’s a problem!

Out pours a filthy flood!

A murky mess of disgrace.

A door opens. A thud.

A shrink walks inside.

Revulsion and repugnance were worn on his face.

He diagnosed, “MAD!”,

That my blood’s too infected,

Slutty, black, and bad.

No filter could clean,

All the filth of my past and my mind; a disease.

The infection’s obscene!

Poisoning my plasma with offense.

It’s too late to convene!!

“Your life it’s a shame,

You will always be seen as damaged and decrepit.”

“Never be seen the same;

As the culprit is not here,

Only you’re left to blame.”

“Your blood is a stain,

On our entire way of living and society.”

“We’ll have to detain;

Lock you away where none see,

That ‘they’ made you insane.”

K. Aldaya, 06/21/13

Picture: from Sucker Punch: Oscar Isaac and Emily Browning; http://cineleet.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/Dr.-Blue-Jones.jpg

239. Pathetic

I’m not a human.

At least not to you.

Outside I look human,

But inside I’m blue.

So blue you will drown,

If you look too deep.

Don’t bother to know me.

Just call me a creep!

Just push me away!

Call me names……hurt me!

Stab, kick, and break,

Until I drown in my own sea.

And as I fall down….

As I fade away…..

“She was weak and pathetic”,

That’s what you’ll say.

K. Aldaya, 05/28/13

Picture: “Drowning” by Madelaines on Deviant Art; http://madelaines.deviantart.com/art/Drowning-61567330

234. Just Another Broken Soul

I don’t know why I bother.

I write. I weep, in vain.

I’ll never be able to express or convey,

What’s pounding in my brain.

I say a word or maybe two.

You’ll nod your head, “Ah yes!”,

“I understand”.

And I will nod, “Sure…yes”.

But the truth is that it angers me.

How patronizing can you be?

You know nothing of my life,

And I’m glad for it not to be!

You’ll never understand what it’s like to cry….,

Cry away years of your life.

To linger, strive, hurt, and bleed,

The blood from your own knife.

To only know that pain because,

It’s all you’ve ever known;

And never trust joy or happiness,

Forever feeling new and unknown.

But it’s my fault because I was,

Born to take a breath,….to walk.

Born a toy for everyone.

Toys don’t get to fight back or talk.

Toys are made to be used and trashed,

When all the fun is through–a waste–

Of others time and lives…

A regret. A purchase made in haste.

But as I’ve said it’s my fault,

And my place in time and guilt.

If I don’t get over it,

It’s more guilt upon guilt.

Those who damage and destroy,

They get off scott-free –no responsibility;

While I must take responsibility,

For everything which was done to me.

I know what I’m supposed to say.

I know what I should do,

But it would only be because,

I was told it’s what I should do.

I don’t believe that I’m stronger,

Or believe I’m now wiser or better.

Is this Masochism 101?

Must I learn to love pain to be better?

I know it’s not what you want to hear,

And so you may no longer listen;

But yet I still must say it because it’s the truth.

I beg you, listen!

I will never be okay and it is not okay!

I won’t lie and say it’s fine as if it never happened.

Nobody wins and there’s only destruction.

I will hurt until the end.

For a broken soul may never mend.

K. Aldaya, 03/20/13

Picture: “Broken Soul” by AndyGarcia666 on Deviant Art; http://andygarcia666.deviantart.com/art/Broken-Soul-281289269