83. Repression

I can’t touch anything now,

It’s all coming again,

These feelings I can’t escape,

From things that happened back then.

I burn from the inside out,

Losing realities grip.

Touching things made of soft,

That turn stone as a moment does slip.

How can the body keep living,

With the residue of the mind,

Haunting every motion.

A life sentence of rewind.

Please let this all be over.

I can’t take all this again.

Pitted against the recall,

Of closing off from the pain.

K. Aldaya, 10/10/04

Picture: “Dead Inside” by Pure-Poison89 on Deviant Art; http://pure-poison89.deviantart.com/art/Dead-inside-280258615

82. Unspeakable

I can’t even speak what I’m feeling,

And if I did I’d hurt others.

It’s best if I don’t say a thing,

To save the life of all others.

I cannot leave, but I hurt to stay,

I just have to find me another way,

Not for tomorrow, but for this very day.

Today. Today.

I’d have to be selfish to speak out,

Since I’m the deserver of pain.

What can I do to spare all,

From seeing in what bed I’ve lain?

I cannot leave, but I hurt to stay,

I just have to find me another way,

Not for tomorrow, but for this very day.

Today. Today.

I need to somehow make two,

A me to stay and a me to go,

One to keep all others happy,

The other to seek the suns’ glow.

I cannot leave but I hurt to stay,

I just have to find me another way,

Not for tomorrow, but for this very day.

Today. Today.

I must keep fighting and hiding,

For the sake of all others near.

It’s what I always must bear,

I must silence now all of the fear.

(Cover, wipe, hide every tear!)

I cannot leave but I hurt to stay,

I just have to find me another way,

Not for tomorrow, but for this very day.

Today. Today.

K. Aldaya, 10/7/04

Picture: “Gallows” by HORNEDQUAD on Deviant Art; http://hornedquad.deviantart.com/art/GALLOWS-341519359

78. Shouldn’t Be Here

Everything on this Earth tells me I shouldn’t be here.

From the day of my birth, through each and every year.

Wishing I weren’t here.

Nothing I do is right.

I think unlike the masses.

Tossed into the night as time flows and passes.

Rejection here amasses.

K. Aldaya, 9/23/04

Picture: Photographer Unknown; http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Eq7_IIxCWyM/TlGwfbyY_4I/AAAAAAAABLE/uT5zKHrTix4/s1600/alone.jpg

76. Apathetic Discernment

How can you see the sun glow,

But never warmth from it to know?

How can you see the vibrant sky,

But feel no stirrings to comply?

How can you hear kind words said,

Feel no consent, discord instead?

How can you see and hear everything,

And yet no feelings, therefore, bring?

K. Aldaya, 9/21/04

75. Words Can’t Hurt You

Who again said “words can’t hurt you”?

That somehow words just flow right through?

I would rather be stabbed in head,

Than stabbed in back with words they’ve said.

Tearing people down with words,

Is the forte of cowards.

No scar left to show the attack,

They get away with every smack.

Never punished for their crimes,

Judicial records hold no times.

Though they injure to the soul,

Kill all that makes a person whole.

A scar, a cut, a bruise can heal,

But ever will those insults feel.

As if they were just said today,

Repeating in head the same way.

Can’t escape the memories,

They consume like a disease.

Go away! Stop yelling!

Don’t worry. There’s no telling!

No one cares that you slaughtered,

Cut my heart with every word.

You will get away with it,

Go ahead. Hit and hit!

Like you always say,

I deserve it anyway.

I wish you’d smack me this time.

You always threaten to, each time.

Hold your hand up like you will,

Instead throw the dog for a thrill.

Hear it crying and me too,

But hit me you will not do.

For you knew that I would wear,

Something that showed you were there.

You’re a coward. You knew,

My mom could punish me for you.

And no dirty work on hands,

From the toiling of your plans.

Who again said “words can’t hurt you”,

If only the hurt from words they knew.

K. Aldaya, 9/18/04

Picture: “Words Hurt” by Skittles-And-Zombies on Deviant Art; http://www.deviantart.com/art/Words-Hurt-350592892