184. Conditional Love

I could proclaim a million times that I love you,

But it still wouldn’t change a thing;

And you’d still make me sad and rejected,

By words you say with a sting.

You tell me you want me around ’cause you love,

But you show it not by your actions;

For you tell me you worry about me,

Yet then lash out with bitter-shuns.

Why are you always so completely self-pitying?

I know you have troubles, as most do,

But why then would you make another,

More unhappy then ever were you?

Why can’t you just be happy for me?

As life is going well for now,

And I want my future to be different,

To be as auspicious as time will allow.

I know you only love me when I’m doing,

Something for you….then it’s love.

I’m tired of this consistent charade,

Of conditioned-love…

I want to rise above!

K. Aldaya, 11/7/05

Picture: “Rejected” by Alyssia-Teddy on Deviant Art; http://www.deviantart.com/art/rejected-46355178

183. Note to Self: That’s What You Get

Why can’t I forget those days?

Those lingering memories: a phase,

Of life so long since passed.

Though hours and years have flown away,

The visions burn and steadily prey,

Upon my undead soul.

None bring up, but sights remind,

That the past is well behind,

Yet still so felt and real.

Hate is there for its’ own sake;

Hating the hate that lies awake,

To chaos hope with guilt.

Hate and love both held within,

Wailing loud of selfish sin.

Who cares how things had been!

This life is hard for everyone.

Isn’t mine just another one?

Lacking a strong spirit?

Weakness and self-pity there,

Deep in my mind, create despair.

Unwarranted. Unjust.

I’m the real freak and con,

The one who cannot move on.

Who keeps evil alive.

I deserve what I feel here,

Every pain and every tear;

Figments of a horrid head.

I cannot forget those days.

Dreams and memories a haze,

Of pre-tarnished truth.

Nothing will e’er change what be,

Within a heart that cannot see,

That it should settle for,

Deserving pain forever.

K. Aldaya, 11/4/05

Picture: “Can You See The Ghost? IV” by AlexandraSophie on Deviant Art; http://www.deviantart.com/art/Can-you-see-the-ghost-IV-165270619

182. To a Friend…

I know your fear, my dear.

Of being ‘lone within this world,

When everything’s of black and drear,

And there your heart a-swirled,

Is in struggles of despair.

A heart given is found,

To want none other, once it’s found,

A place inside….a flowing ground…

Of endless enchantments which pound,

Within veins of crimson blood.

Yes, I know you bleed my dear,

With scarlet agonies of loss,

For hearts are resting places near,

All that is the soul and boss,

Of loves’ enriching clarities.

You may be thus lost right now,

And feel you’re all alone in pain.

As no one could ever know how,

It feels to bear hearts’ broken stain,

On your souls’ experienced truth.

But just remember that you can’t,

Change those who hate to make them.

You deserve more than to chant,

And live over your love to them,

Who can’t be made to understand.

So, no matter what happens,

Don’t waste your heart on one,

Without the needed comprehends,

To see your love’s the real one,

And not just some battle to be won.

You shouldn’t settle for second place,

In any battles waged with cost,

If true-love he’d risk all to race…,

To your side whatever’s lost.

So please, my dear, don’t settle there,

And let your heart wither to dust.

K. Aldaya, 10/26/05

Picture: Artist Unknown; http://www.savelovetoday.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/heart-broken.jpg

181. Doors Oft’ Lead to Nowhere

I pray this will not end the same,

As all things have before,

For I can’t take another fall…,

Close yet another door.

I’ve not the strength to walk again,

The endless empty corridor,

And op’ another unknown door,

Just to be left a whore.

A whore head-filled with ideal dreams,

Of given love received,

And given back with no expense,

Love there not deceived.

So ask me not to invest hence,

My heart unto your cause,

If you’re lost as to whether,

Concordance is without pause.

But still I pray this will not end,

A dream may be more yet!

That I may leave this doorway,

And prostitutions forget.

K. Aldaya, 10/25/05

Picture: Photographer Unknown; https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/p480x480/314894_473340722694940_393520269_n.jpg

180. What a Guilty Game You Play My Dear

How many times must you speak of all your sacrifices?

I know you truly have a heart, but venality your soul entices,

To onus all who hear your call;

With guilt it does impart.

No matter I still care to fix.

Make it right somehow.

But how, O’ how can this be done?

For continuity won’t allow,

The soul to free and finally be….

A persons’ life begun.

K. Aldaya, 10/21/05

Picture: Uploaded on Photobucket by ezz_0; Photographer Unknown; http://i774.photobucket.com/albums/yy24/ezz_0/Guilt.jpg