I’m not a human.
At least not to you.
Outside I look human,
But inside I’m blue.
So blue you will drown,
If you look too deep.
Don’t bother to know me.
Just call me a creep!
Just push me away!
Call me names……hurt me!
Stab, kick, and break,
Until I drown in my own sea.
And as I fall down….
As I fade away…..
“She was weak and pathetic”,
That’s what you’ll say.
K. Aldaya, 05/28/13
Picture: “Drowning” by Madelaines on Deviant Art; http://madelaines.deviantart.com/art/Drowning-61567330
Inside my head.
A couch. A bed.
A world. A dream.
In my head. In my head.
Inside my head.
A girl. A ghost.
One hiding. One host.
In my head. In my head.
Inside my head.
She’s tortured. She’s dead.
Over and over…
In my head. In my head.
Inside my head.
A shadow. A man,
With perverse plan.
In my head. In my head.
Inside my head.
He haunts. He hunts.
He torments. He affronts.
In my head. In my head.
Inside my head.
A blackness. A shape.
A darkness. A rape.
In my head. In my head.
Inside my head.
A demon. A hell.
Fear; despair dwell,
In my head. In my head.
Inside my head.
As I lie down in bed.
Wake to the dread…
In my head…
…..In my head.
K. Aldaya, 04/25/13
Picture: by Gary Heller; http://www.garyhellerphotography.com/album/abandoned-places?p=1#25
I cannot live.
I cannot die.
Can’t say hello,
Or say goodbye.
Can’t stay silent,
And cannot fret.
Cannot remember.
Cannot forget.
I cannot join,
Or isolate.
I cannot love.
I cannot hate.
I cannot sing.
I cannot cry.
I cannot live,
Yet,… I cannot die.
K. Aldaya, 4/14/13
Picture: “Should I Give Up” by iNeedChemicalX on Deviant Art; http://www.deviantart.com/art/Should-I-give-up-264511827
What words?
Why bother?
Mean nothing.
Don’t convey…anything.
Shut down.
Close out.
Cannot feel.
Can’t express. No appeal.
Too much.
Too deep.
Bleeding out…
Silently. Life fades out.
What words?
Why bother?
Don’t exist…
Never did. Why persist?
Shut down.
Close off.
Hide inside…to exist…
to hide….and hide….alone.
No confide.
No words….,
So hide.
K. Aldaya, 04/05/13
Picture: “Dissociation” by MaxTheSpaztastick; http://www.deviantart.com/art/dissociation-56008447
Why is it that I feel so happy when you’re near?
When you notice me, look at my face,…
And just in that you’re here?
Is something wrong with me that I want your attention?
When loved and love is it yet not enough?
Is that why I crave your affection?
I hate myself for caring when you are not around.
Am I that pathetic that I can’t be content standing on the ground?
Do I need to fly?
To leave the confines I am in?
Do I long be an angel or seraphim when I am but a human?
I do not deserve this much attention,…I know that…I do,
Yet I want your love. I need your love.
I feel I’ll fade without you too.
Does that mean that I love you?
In caring that you’ll leave?
And in knowing that one day when you do,
I will cry and your loss grieve?
What is love exactly? How do I know what is love or not?
Is love what I feel when I’m with you?
Or is it the attention which is sought?
All I know is that you confuse me….
I question everything.
My heart is like a puppet manipulated by your string.
And if you someday don’t care anymore, or don’t notice me.
Will my heart fall never to be moved or will it finally be free?
K. Aldaya, 03/22/13
Picture: “Reaching Out For Love” by kjherstin; http://kjherstin.deviantart.com/art/Reaching-out-for-love-58708494
My Soul is a Lock Without a Key 