234. Just Another Broken Soul

I don’t know why I bother.

I write. I weep, in vain.

I’ll never be able to express or convey,

What’s pounding in my brain.

I say a word or maybe two.

You’ll nod your head, “Ah yes!”,

“I understand”.

And I will nod, “Sure…yes”.

But the truth is that it angers me.

How patronizing can you be?

You know nothing of my life,

And I’m glad for it not to be!

You’ll never understand what it’s like to cry….,

Cry away years of your life.

To linger, strive, hurt, and bleed,

The blood from your own knife.

To only know that pain because,

It’s all you’ve ever known;

And never trust joy or happiness,

Forever feeling new and unknown.

But it’s my fault because I was,

Born to take a breath,….to walk.

Born a toy for everyone.

Toys don’t get to fight back or talk.

Toys are made to be used and trashed,

When all the fun is through–a waste–

Of others time and lives…

A regret. A purchase made in haste.

But as I’ve said it’s my fault,

And my place in time and guilt.

If I don’t get over it,

It’s more guilt upon guilt.

Those who damage and destroy,

They get off scott-free –no responsibility;

While I must take responsibility,

For everything which was done to me.

I know what I’m supposed to say.

I know what I should do,

But it would only be because,

I was told it’s what I should do.

I don’t believe that I’m stronger,

Or believe I’m now wiser or better.

Is this Masochism 101?

Must I learn to love pain to be better?

I know it’s not what you want to hear,

And so you may no longer listen;

But yet I still must say it because it’s the truth.

I beg you, listen!

I will never be okay and it is not okay!

I won’t lie and say it’s fine as if it never happened.

Nobody wins and there’s only destruction.

I will hurt until the end.

For a broken soul may never mend.

K. Aldaya, 03/20/13

Picture: “Broken Soul” by AndyGarcia666 on Deviant Art; http://andygarcia666.deviantart.com/art/Broken-Soul-281289269

158. Give Me a Hand

I saw its hand reach out to me.

In the dark it nightly watched,

Stalking my soul as a decree.

No choice: it had to have me.

Closer and closer it notched.

Its’ ghastly hand found once,

A place upon my shoulder cold.

Why is this only what it hunts?

My eyes cared only of confronts,

So they turned back to behold.

O’ what a hideous game to play,

There I saw nothing but black,

And a dim-hand far away.

O’ to offer…then steal away,

And accentuate the lack.

I painfully motioned hand outward,

To grant forth what I thought it sought.

How could I know this was absurd?

To know what this could have spurred?

It joined my hand not.

I stumbled to move in near.

Bones broke and blood teared down,

But no longer did I fear!

Then it…o yes…did disappear,

And I was left to drown.

Death is a demons’ jester-pawn.

Walking our eyes upon its’ path.

All made and held swiftly gone,

In pursuit of this path it’s on.

To fall, then arise, a living blood-bath.

And death: vast years away,

Laughs the empty hours away.

K. Aldaya, 8/14/05

Picture: “Scary Shadow” by krowngraphics; http://krowngraphics.webs.com/apps/photos/photo?photoid=43873623

147. Black Roses

I thought if I expressed my pains,

The pain would be too great,

That all the flower, in one brief hour,

Would wither in dead-fate.

But I’ve been wrong as so often I am,

Forcing-out the inner world,

Has only made the flowers grow…steady and slow,

Into dark interpretations of my world.

Seeing there before my eyes those tinted-petals,

Swaying in a windswept field.

Shadows set free for all to see,

My mind fogged with unsettles.

I thought the black-blooms would turn,

My eyes to love its’ hue,

And grant this love to rise above,

All thoughts of life in me to view.

But I was wrong, as I’ve always been, about this too.

You cannot hide what lies inside,

To live you must show you.

To the world show all the pains,

Materialize them…they are real.

If they lie, your heart will die,

For flowers need room to reveal.

Thickets of thorns: crimson and black,

Grow ‘neath tear-drowned skies;

Swiftly slicing their way each day,

Through bones and skin to your demise.

My moonlit roses ashen and set,

Far and wide upon my face,

Have released my heart burdens of its’ part,

In fading tears to bloomings’-pace.

Flowers must be able to grow,

And show what must be seen.

Hiding deep pains…draws weep stains,

To choke burdens unseen.

So leave me my field to show,

That I can let each flower,

Grow and be for all to see,

And daily greet each new rain-shower.

K. Aldaya, 6/15/05

Picture: “Rose Gothic” by Zefir4ik on Deviant Art; http://zefir4ik.deviantart.com/art/Rose-Gothic-144655365

52. Lost to the Night

Amid darkness the large oak trees,

Reach out to me in the breeze.

The darkness hovers over my head.

The black clouds continually stomp and tread.

No stars can be seen, nor moon.

I only hope that day come soon.

Lost in black I feel them near,

And hear their screaming in my ear.

The voices that linger in great sadness,

And eternally dwell in darks’ abyss.

I can feel their full heart pain,

And the madness in their brain.

My head is pounding and pounding,

With all the pain resounding.

The dark swallows my last daylight,

And I am lost into the night.

K. Aldaya, 3/23/04

Picture: Abyss by Ishutani on Deviant Art: http://ishutani.deviantart.com; http://th02.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/f/2013/089/8/6/abyss_by_ishutani-d5ztss6.jpg

33. I Will Stand Alone

I will stand alone with all I’ve known,

For my life is for me,

For only my eyes to see.

I have stood alone with each cry and moan,

Trying hard to forget,

Leaving residue of regret.

I now stand alone with the creaking of each bone.

I try to speak and release, feeling wrong in wanting peace.

I will stand alone ’cause no one’s on my phone,

For I don’t know how to be free,

To express my agony.

I have stood alone with each cry and moan,

For I’m guilty for my feelings,

For feeling my heart’s in peelings.

I now stand alone with all I have known,

For my life is for me.

For me, to see, and be.

K. Aldaya, 3/30/03

Picture: Artist Unknown; http://www.survival2020.com/wp-content/uploads/lonely-skeleton-survivor.jpg