234. Just Another Broken Soul

I don’t know why I bother.

I write. I weep, in vain.

I’ll never be able to express or convey,

What’s pounding in my brain.

I say a word or maybe two.

You’ll nod your head, “Ah yes!”,

“I understand”.

And I will nod, “Sure…yes”.

But the truth is that it angers me.

How patronizing can you be?

You know nothing of my life,

And I’m glad for it not to be!

You’ll never understand what it’s like to cry….,

Cry away years of your life.

To linger, strive, hurt, and bleed,

The blood from your own knife.

To only know that pain because,

It’s all you’ve ever known;

And never trust joy or happiness,

Forever feeling new and unknown.

But it’s my fault because I was,

Born to take a breath,….to walk.

Born a toy for everyone.

Toys don’t get to fight back or talk.

Toys are made to be used and trashed,

When all the fun is through–a waste–

Of others time and lives…

A regret. A purchase made in haste.

But as I’ve said it’s my fault,

And my place in time and guilt.

If I don’t get over it,

It’s more guilt upon guilt.

Those who damage and destroy,

They get off scott-free –no responsibility;

While I must take responsibility,

For everything which was done to me.

I know what I’m supposed to say.

I know what I should do,

But it would only be because,

I was told it’s what I should do.

I don’t believe that I’m stronger,

Or believe I’m now wiser or better.

Is this Masochism 101?

Must I learn to love pain to be better?

I know it’s not what you want to hear,

And so you may no longer listen;

But yet I still must say it because it’s the truth.

I beg you, listen!

I will never be okay and it is not okay!

I won’t lie and say it’s fine as if it never happened.

Nobody wins and there’s only destruction.

I will hurt until the end.

For a broken soul may never mend.

K. Aldaya, 03/20/13

Picture: “Broken Soul” by AndyGarcia666 on Deviant Art; http://andygarcia666.deviantart.com/art/Broken-Soul-281289269

224. I Fall Alone

Nobody can help me.

I’ll always be alone.

Nobody can save me,

From the nightmare of it all.

Nobody can see me,

When I cry, and scream, and call.

Nobody can hear me.

In this pit of misery I fall….

Forever fall alone.

Nobody can help me.

I’ll always be alone.

Nobody can save me,

From the darkness which encroaches.

Nobody can touch me, hold me, and need me,

As time reproaches.

Nobody can shut out what I see,

As time, in loved-ones, steals from me….

And poaches…

Every joy;

While I lie alone….Forever, fall (to the grave) alone.

K. Aldaya, 12/26/11

Picture: Photographer Unknown; http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-BSVVQ-Qvw-M/UX5kVQC6TpI/AAAAAAAABy8/cmblY9NUAzE/s1600/Alone-girl-sadness-cute-in-forest-lonely.jpg

192. Nothing

I am nothing, and nothing will I be.

The world cannot create a joy,

Where none was meant to be.

Though to myself I may want life,

Life may not want me;

To e’er be fully-happy.

Though this itself is but a lie,

As fleeting as our lives,

For who can ever hope to die,

Having seen through heavens’ eyes?

O’ God why give life so devoid,

To beings who know its’ loss?

Where happiness: merely a dream,

Can’t be held-firm, time-across?

What then makes us keep going?

When nothing’s all there is?

When nothing’s what you get?

When nothing’s gained in end?

Just nothing…..nothing.

K. Aldaya, 2/20/06

Picture: “Twist in the Dark” by Nicola Bertellotti; http://derelictmetropolis.tumblr.com/post/33052711013/twist-in-the-dark-by-nicola-bertellotti

189. Love, Loves Misery

How can you tear me down and then say,

“I love you, my darling”, as night turns to day.

Progressively painful vulgarities thrown,

From out your cavalierly-placed throne.

Love should not cause a heart pain as this,

Torturing ’til tears burn and dismiss,

The knowledge of love incinerated;

Then ask me to love where no love’s been created.

The tragedy’s that I care, though you kill;

Demolishing constructions at will.

Burning houses just built to stand,

Against the assault of your next reprimand.

K. Aldaya, 12/25/05

Picture: Artist Unknown; http://data.whicdn.com/images/22478399/28f273b9e0ffd544410d90c0f6ec8072_large.jpg

109. Seclusion

Seclusion.

Years in lone seclusion.

All alone.

Dark, empty intrusion.

Seclusion.

No one to hear the screams,

That echoed,

Off these old roof beams.

Seclusion.

Dwelling in this castle,

Of ancient.

No kind company’s hassle.

Seclusion.

What such a soul would give,

For a voice,

To make the silence live.

Seclusion.

O’ to be cared about.

One small glimpse,

To wipe away kinds’ doubt.

Seclusion.

Ghosts only fill these halls.

Their shadows,

Bolt across the walls.

Seclusion.

Haunted by these shadows,

From the deep,

That speak what ne’er shows.

Seclusion.

Desolate phantoms wail.

Vile, dead hopes.

Time does not avail.

Seclusion.

Out from tower seeing,

For cov’ring,

Grim forest unfreeing.

Seclusion.

Above I oversee,

The mis’ry,

Which is hanging over me.

Seclusion.

The sky is dark and cold,

Faded black,

As a nightmares’ enfold.

Seclusion.

In this place I cry,

“Find me here,

As I here ‘lone, must lie”.

Seclusion.

Eternally lost here,

In castle,

Which in the mind does sear.

Seclusion.

No one to hear each breath,

Keeping me,

From the near land of death.

Seclusion.

In the corner I hide,

Shaking as,

I so often have cried.

Seclusion.

Is where I e’er reside.

K. Aldaya, 12/09/04

Picture: “Girl Interrupted Series IV” by LivingDeadGurlx on Deviant Art; http://www.deviantart.com/art/Girl-Interrupted-Series-lV-50416935