82. Unspeakable

I can’t even speak what I’m feeling,

And if I did I’d hurt others.

It’s best if I don’t say a thing,

To save the life of all others.

I cannot leave, but I hurt to stay,

I just have to find me another way,

Not for tomorrow, but for this very day.

Today. Today.

I’d have to be selfish to speak out,

Since I’m the deserver of pain.

What can I do to spare all,

From seeing in what bed I’ve lain?

I cannot leave, but I hurt to stay,

I just have to find me another way,

Not for tomorrow, but for this very day.

Today. Today.

I need to somehow make two,

A me to stay and a me to go,

One to keep all others happy,

The other to seek the suns’ glow.

I cannot leave but I hurt to stay,

I just have to find me another way,

Not for tomorrow, but for this very day.

Today. Today.

I must keep fighting and hiding,

For the sake of all others near.

It’s what I always must bear,

I must silence now all of the fear.

(Cover, wipe, hide every tear!)

I cannot leave but I hurt to stay,

I just have to find me another way,

Not for tomorrow, but for this very day.

Today. Today.

K. Aldaya, 10/7/04

Picture: “Gallows” by HORNEDQUAD on Deviant Art; http://hornedquad.deviantart.com/art/GALLOWS-341519359

60. Confliction

Did it really happen?

I knew at the time it did,

But now I only question.

From my eyes all truth is hid.

My head is so confused.

Are they right about this too?

Did I over-react then or did I make up what I knew?

Their words clutter thoughts,

Making me rethink everything.

Did it happen at all or was it as they so sing?

Was it a daydream that I confused with real?

They’re right…my fault!

I deserve what I got, and feel.

Now I must forget that anything happened at all.

I must not ever show,

Hurt from hitting that brick wall.

K. Aldaya, 5/20/04

Picture: from Missing You: Actress Kim So-Hyun as 15 year old Lee Soo-yeon; https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-1S3D-ADJXzo/ULnXNr5qCqI/AAAAAAAAABU/Mw3T3ZFlPxw/I-Miss-You-Korean-Drama.jpg

51. Hate

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you so much!

You have horrible right in your clutch.

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you now more,

Than any of the other times before.

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you, you freak!

You are too frightened and too weak.

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you ’cause you,

Are never good in anything you do.

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you for when,

You sinned so greatly back then.

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you because,

You don’t think as everyone else does.

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. Just Leave.

Go ahead, hide, and grieve.

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you for thoughts,

In which you can change past plots.

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you for never,

Will you find atonement for what you’ve done whatsoever.

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. Keep crying,

For no one will care for the soul dying.

K. Aldaya, 3/22/04

Picture: Photographer Unknown; http://fstoppers.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/Broken-Reflection-web.jpg

34. Me and I

“Me”, said I. “I have some questions to ask. Do you think you can handle the task?”

Well, just go ahead.

“Why do you wish to be dead”?

“Do you feel somehow unfit”?

There is no forgiveness I can give myself,

Though a ‘God’ can forgive and put me top-shelf.

My guilt is of my origin and of my sin.

That is why I cannot die,

‘Cause my faults would fall on some other guy.

That isn’t the way it should work, I’m the jerk!

I deserve to be punished.

Only me.

So I have to live for now to, to repent, don’t you see?

K. Aldaya, 4/23/03

Picture: Photographer Unknown; http://2.bp.blogspot.com/–ydY9rQvOxI/ULQ5VxTYYtI/AAAAAAAAOrk/zS4KfHsX7B0/s640/Girl+in+Mirror+%283%29.jpg