183. Note to Self: That’s What You Get

Why can’t I forget those days?

Those lingering memories: a phase,

Of life so long since passed.

Though hours and years have flown away,

The visions burn and steadily prey,

Upon my undead soul.

None bring up, but sights remind,

That the past is well behind,

Yet still so felt and real.

Hate is there for its’ own sake;

Hating the hate that lies awake,

To chaos hope with guilt.

Hate and love both held within,

Wailing loud of selfish sin.

Who cares how things had been!

This life is hard for everyone.

Isn’t mine just another one?

Lacking a strong spirit?

Weakness and self-pity there,

Deep in my mind, create despair.

Unwarranted. Unjust.

I’m the real freak and con,

The one who cannot move on.

Who keeps evil alive.

I deserve what I feel here,

Every pain and every tear;

Figments of a horrid head.

I cannot forget those days.

Dreams and memories a haze,

Of pre-tarnished truth.

Nothing will e’er change what be,

Within a heart that cannot see,

That it should settle for,

Deserving pain forever.

K. Aldaya, 11/4/05

Picture: “Can You See The Ghost? IV” by AlexandraSophie on Deviant Art; http://www.deviantart.com/art/Can-you-see-the-ghost-IV-165270619

106. Crimson Corridors

Deep inside there is a need,

To the very soul, to feed.

In echoed voices in the head,

A calling that does heed,

A relentless urge to bleed.

Crimson halls and corridors,

Endless rows of clos’ed doors.

All lead to the same end.

Self-defeating little whores,

Bleeding out scarlet abhors.

Beyond each door there lies,

A flaming heart which cries,

For unmerciless repent.

Until the vile river dries,

And the corridors’ light dies.

K. Aldaya, 11/25/04

Picture: “Corridor to Hell” by William McLaughlin on Flickr; https://www.flickr.com/photos/billmclaugh/2965702055

98. A Redemptive Plea

Please forgive me for my weakness.

I long to live for you in goodness,

But being born a freak like me,

I’m unfit to be linked to ye!

I long to be the best for you,

To show kindness in all I do.

I truly care and have a heart,

But guilt ever tears me apart.

Forgive me for being so bad,

And often sinking in pasts’ sad.

Forgive me. Please forgive me!

I love you. I’m sorry to be,

Such a horrible person….

A horrible nothing could worsen.

K. Aldaya, 11/07/04

Picture: “Gothic Prayer” by Anne Stokes: http://www.annestokes.com/gothic/

93. Random Thoughts #3

Short Lamentation

Lamenting the transgressions,

Tears flow of scarlet penance.

Pains’ enduring lessons…

Isolation hence.

Today an Abandonment Prayer

Abandoned here again I pray,

That one day I’ll disappear,

Go to a land far away,

Where I have nothing to fear.

Let me go today!

K. Aldaya, 11/04

84. Taunting Ghosts

Ghosts in the corner of your eyes,

Haunt and taunt you despite disguise.

You can’t hide what you have done,

Their tormenting has only just begun.

You can’t hide from them anywhere,

They can find you here, and find you there.

Ghostly visions of a tormented place,

Where you must ever await saving grace.

K. Aldaya, 10/10/04

Picture: Artist Unknown; http://i.ytimg.com/vi/lJarvZMi0gU/maxresdefault.jpg