352. Random Thought #17

I could sit for hours in this spot,

Just staring at the wall;

And I sometimes wish I could do just that,

Without any guilt at all.

Yet, I feel guilty for my absence;

For not being enough…

For letting my mind escape for awhile,

When times get tough.

So I fight against the emptiness,

And fight against the pain,

When I know it’s only a matter of time,

And it’s sure to end the same.

If one day I don’t make it back.

Please promise me you’ll try,

To still come visit, and hold my hand,

A few times before I die.

K. Aldaya, 5/11/16

263. The Sphere

Foggy and groggy.

The day is,

Unsure; a blur.

Will the light stir,

And wake me?

Laggy and saggy.

The mind is,

Weary; dreary…

Seconds: leery,…

Of the time.

Sleepy and weepy.

The heart is,

Frigid, and hid,…

Inside, amid,…

The silence.

Broken; unspoken.

The soul is,

Hiding; residing,

In depths abiding,…

With the past.

Complex, the apex,

Of living is.

To thrive, alive,

Through death we strive,…

To find hope.

Detached and snatched.

The day is,

So near. Not here.

Will it appear,

And wake me,..

From this frozen sphere,…of fear?

K. Aldaya, 3/6/14

Picture: By: Hiroko Matsubara: http://www.hirokomatsubara.com; http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/236x/c2/29/77/c22977e4ecef54f85dd0aa1b6114bd4a.jpg

236. Dissociative

What words?

Why bother?

Mean nothing.

Don’t convey…anything.

Shut down.

Close out.

Cannot feel.

Can’t express. No appeal.

Too much.

Too deep.

Bleeding out…

Silently. Life fades out.

What words?

Why bother?

Don’t exist…

Never did. Why persist?

Shut down.

Close off.

Hide inside…to exist…

to hide….and hide….alone.

No confide.

No words….,

So hide.

K. Aldaya, 04/05/13

Picture: “Dissociation” by MaxTheSpaztastick; http://www.deviantart.com/art/dissociation-56008447

231. Needy

Please see me….really see me,

And help me to stand.

I need you so deeply,

You don’t understand!

Sometimes I feel abandoned,

When you don’t see my pain.

I long to cry: “Don’t leave me!”,

But don’t want love in fain.

I long to be beautiful,

And worthy of embrace.

I long to be so special,

Your eyes will never leave my face.

The truth is I’ll never be,

As special as I need.

No love will ever be enough.

Never full….I feed and feed.

So empty inside. An empty void.

A vast and broken soul.

No love could ever fill it in,

Or make it new and whole.

I’m not special. Just a freak.

Too needy to feel love.

The pain will always be too great,

For me to rise above.

Please help me,… for right now,

I cannot feel your love!

K. Aldaya, 09/11/12

Picture: “A Broken Dream” by ageai; http://www.deviantart.com/art/In-A-Broken-Dream-11058263

214. Scream or Shout

So many thoughts inside my head,

But how to get them out?

I wish I knew, or had one clue,

As to how to scream or shout!

All this pain locked away,

Since the dawn of time.

My skin is pain, although in vain,

I ask to know my crime.

Rock is cold and has no soul,

And feels not pain or sorrow.

How is it then, my skin feels it when,

My soul hides deep in marrow?

So many thoughts inside my head,

But how to get them out?

They hide behind, walls of stone and bind….

My tears: They scream…..they shout!

K. Aldaya, 05/23/11

Picture: Artist Unknown; http://www.free-hdwallpapers.com/wallpapers/abstract/173332.jpg